Love is All You Need

all-you-need-love-red-matte-10x20

That’s what John Lennon said.

I mean no disrespect to the Dreamer, but I need more. Love is not enough to make a relationship healthy and strong. Poly love is no more complicated than monogamous love, in that it takes work to make it… well… work… and when relationships fail, love isn’t enough to keep them alive.

I still love her.

Beyond the hurt and grief, she’s still the amazing, generous, beautiful woman I fell for, and risked kissing. Our triad with him was the something I was willing to put my heart, my tears, my sweat and my soul into. The relationship between her and me was something I longed to explore and discover.

But it was hard; the triad became the focus before our foundations were stable, and that crippled us. Maybe we had three strikes against us.  Our individual relationships were not clearly defined.  We spent a lot of time and energy trying to sort out that tangle, and I’m not sure we all knew exactly what the others wanted from the mix.

When it got too difficult, and fear of losing everything took control, I was the one who was disposable. Maybe it has something to do with the long-distance limits. Maybe the real root of the problem was bad communication and unresolved insecurity. The truth is, we did not communicate.  Whatever the true death-blow, I know that when one lover says they are through, no matter how the other lover(s) try to breathe life into the dying relationship, it’s not enough.

She called time of death on the operating table, as we were bleeding out. The relationship between she and I was the casualty. That was months ago. Now, no matter how my heart loves her, there’s no bringing the relationship back from the dead. I’m left with a separate relationship with him, and a hole in my heart where she used to live.  When I think about her, all I have… is not what I need.

All I have is bruised and aching, breathtaking, unrequited love.

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