Tired

wpid-2014-11-02-20.52.05.png.pngIt won’t always be this way. My heart will find what it wants and what it needs, and saying goodbye is sometimes the only way to make room for that.

You see, I’ve been telling myself this for over a year. I’ve been reminding myself this chapter isn’t the last. This is not where I land. I’m making way for something better, something more. I’ve been working so hard.

I’ve been on coffee dates until I hate Starbucks, and those OKCupid notifications make my head hurt. I’ve met amazing people, people with whom I could fall in love — a few with whom I have — and watched them come to the realization that I am either more, or less than what they were hoping to find.

I’ve been reminded, so many times, that I’m unique, uncommon, different and yet, not a good fit. My heart is sore from trying. I have watched too many people opt out of a chance at a deep, intense, holistic, full, romantic-relationship kind of life, with me.

I am tired. I am sore. I am lonely.

Still, I look into my mirror, and I know I’m being true to my heart, true to me, even though in ways I can’t explain, I am alone. I have a husband who loves me. I have friends, and lovers. (Can I call them lovers if our intimacy is never, or so rarely in person, that I’ve forgotten how they smell?)

I should be thankful, count my fortunes… instead I’m staring at these puzzle pieces, and still my picture is no where near becoming clear.

Today, I mourn as two beautiful people have chosen to walk away from a romantic future with me. The fucked up thing is, it was the right choice. I know it, logically, but my heart thinks logic is stupid. I could not keep my heart from falling. I can’t regret being true to me, but I hate this pain.

Today, I don’t have the strength to get up and move on. I will not be dusting off the OKCupid profile. I will not respond to flirts and invitations for coffee. Today I will be saying goodbye to a future I really wished for, trying to figure out what the hell I’m doing now.

Tomorrow, I will find my feet.

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It’s Not Easy, Being Human – an Ask Pen Article

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Dear Reader,

I’m not answering a question today, I’m asking one. I hope you’ll allow me this liberty, and share with me your thoughts.

-Pen


We are human, you and I. Our partners are human; our metamours are human. Even our exes are human, (though I know it may be irksome to acknowledge in some cases.) We battle insecurities, and our own demons, and we bring those battles into our profoundly human relationships. This is who we are. Wouldn’t you agree?   There are several excellent books about how to deal with conflict in poly relationships and as we educate ourselves, I think we strive to communicate clearly and often, to check in and speak up, to ask for what we want. We work hard to “own our own shit”, as Cunning Minx would say. We face our jealousies, and process our emotions…

[Read more of this AskPen article on the OKPolyNetwork site. Click the image below.]

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with ink and affection,

PenSig50

Two Men and a Bird

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I’ve long been a caged bird, tethered
to your fears, straining to fly.
and he, dark winged man of night
came to open the door, whispered
in his strange and familiar tongue
I soared to such heights, I trembled

until …

seeing panic painted on your face
he drew an arrow and clipped my wings
caught me falling, and breathed
apologies into my ear, while my heart nearly burst from my chest,
sent me back to your waiting cage.

how can you not know,
I will always fly home to you?

I am me…

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Tonight I kissed a girl…

…but first we flirted, with each other, with her boyfriend. We held hands over dinner, talked and laughed. We’ve been getting to know each other for a bit, going out for drinks, meeting for coffee or lunch. They’re new to poly, and very much suited to it, though taking it slowly to sort out whether it’s a good step. I am someone who is willing to share my story and my experiences, for what they’re worth. As I am alone this weekend, while Biker Dude is with his girlfriend, they invited me to dinner…

It was so easy, slipping my hand into hers, laughing and smiling. I hugged her goodbye at the end of the night, and kissed her softly. I was struck by how good it felt… how true to me. I have spent a year believing I wasn’t looking for a girl. I wasn’t up for that kind of relationship, with the drama and hurt of a woman’s emotions.  I had been burned and I wasn’t going back for a very, very long time — if ever.

But, she is just so damned cute , and sweet, and genuine.  And he’s a gentleman with a growl in his throat, and just the hint of a little boy in him.  Strength and vulnerability.  He is easy to like.  I expected that.  She is easy to like.  Easy to kiss. She’s a surprise.

I feel so much more myself tonight, like I didn’t get it wrong with Dragonfly Girl, who broke up with me, and insisted Shepherd did, too. Tonight, I felt like I could honestly say it’s not that I am flawed. I really wasn’t fooling myself. Whatever mistakes ended our triad, it wasn’t that I didn’t want or love her. It absolutely wasn’t that I am not bisexual.

It’s too early to tell if these two new friends are a good fit, too early to know where this is heading — and for now, flirty friends is okay by me.  But tonight, I felt good, and for the first time in a long while, a beautiful woman held my interest more than a charming man.  I can’t help grinning like a Cheshire cat, at my reflection in the mirror.

Wow. This is me — polyamorous, bisexual, woman — rebuilding my world.