Rocket Man

astronaut-doing-a-sky-walk

rocket man
telling me such tales
galaxies
unfolding
in your wild eyes and your words
my eyes search the stars

POETIC FORM: SHARDORMA

Shardorma is a Spanish 6-line syllabic poem of 3/5/3/3/7/5 syllable lines respectively. – See more at: http://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blogs/poetic-asides/poets/shadorma-a-highly-addictive-poetic-form-from-spain#sthash.bn2uFi5o.dpuf

Love and Lovers, Sex and Bisexuality

“I want a life of a million lovers. I want to love you.”

“When I see you we will embrace and hold a hug long enough to glimpse some insight from each other’s heartbeat.”

“When we walk down the street we shall link arms, pause frequently, and turn our toes and noses towards the other to speak directly without modesty.”

“I do not think that our connection is somehow weakened because we do not share our bodies with each other.”

“For love is love is love is love, and that is what I want.”

“I only want us to fall in love.”

~Can We Be Lovers & Not Have Sex? on Elephant Journal by Brentan Schellenbach

image

“A bi person has the capacity for romantic and/or sexual attraction to more than one gender.  For most people, that simply means that you can be attracted to both men and women.”

“As a bi person, you do not have to feel the same kind or intensity of attraction to all genders.”

“Understanding and acknowledging your own sexuality is a personal process and is about living with integrity and being true to yourself.”

“A sexual identity is about who you want to romance. Romance does not equal sex. Romance is who you want to hear laugh, who you want to give valentines to and breakfast in bed and comfort when they’re crying.”

~Bisexual.org

I have been falling in love with boys since I was six years old. I know well how to do this. I know what excites me, what intrigues me, what attracts me to men. I know how to flirt with men, how to use my mind and my body to turn them on. I know what works, what gets their attention, what keeps it. I celebrate that power, and try to use it wisely. I am confident in my sexuality when it comes to members of the opposite sex. I’m a sometimes messy, jealous and difficult human. I’m also a sexy, attractive, loving, passionate woman, who builds relationships with men that are fucking amazing. (It helps that I choose some pretty kick-ass men.)

I began to be curious about romantic relationships with women, about fifteen years ago, in my early thirties. Today, you see a lot of media about being bi, and there’s a very strong message about bisexuality not equaling confusion. I agree, people should not be asked to “pick a team”, that’s just silly. But when you set that argument aside, I can say that yes, I am bisexual and I am confused.

I think often about romantic and sexual interactions with women, and I long for that tenderness, that affection and softness, for that sisterhood and connection that don’t come from the men in my life. I have entertained sexual fantasies, and learned to build strong, enduring friendships with just a handful of women. I have even attempted romantic relationships with women in the past.

The most significant attempt was when I fell deeply and vulnerably in love with a woman, about three years ago. It was an awkward situation, as we three, she, our shared male partner and power-dynamic-dominant, and I formed a polyamorous triad, that was terribly imbalanced. There was a great deal of jealousy and comparison… we both had intense relationships with him and our romance with each other was hampered by miscommunication, unmet expectations and insecurity on the part of all three involved.

I can say now that whatever her faults or mistakes, (or mine, or his, for that matter) though my heart was smitten, and I very much adored her, loved kissing her, holding her hand, cuddling and sleeping in her arms — sexually, I always felt like an awkward virgin. I think she interpreted this as rejection, and it became one of several eventually insurmountable issues that led her to calling it quits.

Today, I still long for that feminine heart-closeness, that easy affection. But when I think of trying again to build a relationship with a woman, my head spins and I panic. I still feel like an awkward, nearly fifty year old virgin. Maybe I always will. Though I am at ease with some simple things, like the romantic side of female to female connection, when my mind shifts toward the sexual, or the energy from a female love interest shifts toward the physical, I shut down. I feel the weight of expectations I might not be able to fulfill. I doubt myself.

Maybe I am never going to be fully comfortable being sexual with a woman. Maybe I’m just going to need some time to heal, and a safe place to explore without feeling like I’m a disappointment. Maybe my relationships with women are never going to be as intense as my relationships with men. I can guarantee that they will be different, because both my heart response, and my physical attraction are different, in so many ways. Am I just inexperienced? Am I bisexual in a romantic sense only? I don’t know. I do know that I find myself falling in love with the heart of another girl. I am both captivated, and afraid of disappointing her. This is hard, and I’m a lot more confused and insecure than I’d like to be.

A Change in the Weather (a Terzanelle poem)

barometer

I felt it when you smiled with your eyes,
an unexpected change in the weather —
a shifting in the grey and winter skies.

I noticed as we sipped our tea together,
the scent of wind and ozone on your skin,
clouded with the coming change in weather.

Your clever tease, my blush and mild chagrin
they set my pulse to flight like startled birds.
I smelled the wind and ozone on your skin.

Our kindred appetites for rhyme and words
caught up in frozen time, melted it seems.
darted between us quick, like winging birds.

My laughter flowed with yours in steady streams —
the jealous sun arrested in his climb,
slowed time to stare at us a while, it seems

You kindled curiosity sublime.
Your smile persistent, slipped into my eyes.
Though pale, the sun grew quicker in his climb —
I left you, warmed beneath the winter skies.

__________

POETIC FORM: TERZANELLE

The Terzanelle combines the lyricism of Terza Rima with the repetition of the Villanelle, in 19 lines.Traditionally lines should be written in a consistient iambic meter.  The rhyme and refrain order is as follows:

A1
B
A2

b
C
B

c
D
C

d
E
D

e
F
E

f
A1
F
A2

For more information, see: Robert Lee Brewer’s Poetic Asides blog post on the Terzanelle.

I am me…

cute-emo-couple-kissing-hug-black-and-white

Tonight I kissed a girl…

…but first we flirted, with each other, with her boyfriend. We held hands over dinner, talked and laughed. We’ve been getting to know each other for a bit, going out for drinks, meeting for coffee or lunch. They’re new to poly, and very much suited to it, though taking it slowly to sort out whether it’s a good step. I am someone who is willing to share my story and my experiences, for what they’re worth. As I am alone this weekend, while Biker Dude is with his girlfriend, they invited me to dinner…

It was so easy, slipping my hand into hers, laughing and smiling. I hugged her goodbye at the end of the night, and kissed her softly. I was struck by how good it felt… how true to me. I have spent a year believing I wasn’t looking for a girl. I wasn’t up for that kind of relationship, with the drama and hurt of a woman’s emotions.  I had been burned and I wasn’t going back for a very, very long time — if ever.

But, she is just so damned cute , and sweet, and genuine.  And he’s a gentleman with a growl in his throat, and just the hint of a little boy in him.  Strength and vulnerability.  He is easy to like.  I expected that.  She is easy to like.  Easy to kiss. She’s a surprise.

I feel so much more myself tonight, like I didn’t get it wrong with Dragonfly Girl, who broke up with me, and insisted Shepherd did, too. Tonight, I felt like I could honestly say it’s not that I am flawed. I really wasn’t fooling myself. Whatever mistakes ended our triad, it wasn’t that I didn’t want or love her. It absolutely wasn’t that I am not bisexual.

It’s too early to tell if these two new friends are a good fit, too early to know where this is heading — and for now, flirty friends is okay by me.  But tonight, I felt good, and for the first time in a long while, a beautiful woman held my interest more than a charming man.  I can’t help grinning like a Cheshire cat, at my reflection in the mirror.

Wow. This is me — polyamorous, bisexual, woman — rebuilding my world.